GUILT-FREE GUILTY PLEASURES-PART 4

It's been freaking forever since I've attempted to be funny and relatable to my lovely readers, hey, it's a lot harder to be as hilarious as I am, and as reader friendly, GEEZ ;). Ohh and yeah, it's also time to start procrastinating once again..so here we go! Here's my first attempt in 2011, be kind. Not, be brutal, be honest, be RUUFFFFgh (GET IT? ROUGH, GET IT? HAA!)!

1. Go shopping for others and only buying things for yourself. A happier you is good for the world, YEAH! Well that's what we tell ourselves anyways, talking yourself out of feeling guilty is a skill, a useful skill at best!

2. So you're strutting, strutting, do that sexy little look-over-the-shoulder, strutting, strutting, slip and fall. Yup, you've just boner killed all those who thought you were hot shit. You try to get up ASAP and brush it off as if it never happened, but trust me, someone always see. Them creepers. Moral: Don't try to look sexy, you will fall, and die (Kidding...well...half truth).

3. Wearing jeggings instead of jeans; it has the comfort of leggings but the look and feel of jeans. So what if jeggings stretch 20 times more than real, stiff, uncomfortably tight denim that make you feel fat, sad, bloated and want to cry? And so what if our favorite pair of jeans no longer pulls up over our huge badonkadonk (cry on the inside my dears, on the inside). JEGGINGS FTW!

4. Skipping class not because you're too busy doing something productive but because you simply don't want to walk there. Dude, campus is far. Even living in Unit 3, the closest dorm to campus, there are just days where the campus seems infinitely farther and basically unreachable. It's almost like the long lost island of the unicorns, minus the unicorns...which pretty much takes out all the awesomeness in it, much like school.

5. Pulling the sympathy card past its expiration date. Ok, we get it that you're sad that your hermit crab died. We're sad too; we were sad at the little funeral, at the memorial service, during those long nights where you went on and on about how much he really meant to you and how he was the only one that truly got you. It's been 3 months, 2 weeks, 4 days and 30 minutes since he died. So cry a river, build a bridge and GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

6. Jammin' out to the oldies! Dust off those...tapes (what did we listen to in the 90s?) and pull out your Dream Street, Backstreet Boys, Spice Girls, Aaron Carter, Jessica Simpson (Pre-fatty days. Sorry girl but you were SO hot! GET IT TOGETHER!) and sing to your hearts desire! (Doing this as I type!) Don't lie, I know you know every single lyric and pitch (I know I do, holla!), yeah you go you! You're totes the next American Idol sensation (maybe in the William Hung sense, remember him? Can't believe we share our BEAR pride together)!

7. Gaining your freshmen 15 from alcohol and only alcohol. Crazy right? Well all those games of beer pong, double shots, jello shots, jungle juice, shotgunning beers, and keg stands REALLY start to add up, especially since this is what is typically consumed in one night of partying (WOOT WOOT!). This just means you got to hit the dance floor harder! Pump up those legs, work out that booty, and remember what Ludacris so wisely said, "FACE DOWN, ASS UP!"

8. Investing in a good pair of yoga pants. Why? Not only are they super versatile; perfect for the gym or yoga and acceptable for large lecture halls, they're seriously comfortable, and they are mega booty enhancers. Yeah, I said it, yoga pants make your BUTT look GOOOOOOD and feel GOOOOOOD. They basically wrap around your badonk and showcase them off to the world like "HEY HEY LOOK AT MY AWESOME NICE ROUNDNESS!" Just watch out for those pesky panty lines, they will ruin any and all boners. Literally, figuratively and unfortunately.

9. Drinking on a Tuesday night. Who the fuck drinks on a school day right? Only in college is this sort of crazy "alcoholic" behavior ever acceptable, in fact it's encouraged and envied by many. And once you enter the "real" world they'll just straight up call you a psychotic raging alcoholic. So why not use it to your advantage? Got a lecture at 10 on Wednesday? Oh well, just make sure you have tons of water in the fridge and an alarm clock set, and then BOTTOMS UP!

10. Probably the most important question of your freshmen career: go to the invite or study for the midterm you have the next night? In my honest opinion, which we all know is the right one, go to the invite! The memories you'll make will outlast any and probably all knowledge you'll even retain from trying to study z-score tables and RMS error calculations! How can you be the only one who doesn't know who did what, or whom, and who wore what and they did that where? She drank HOW much? He barfed on her face? Come on! This is what college is all about! If you stay home, you'll probably be too distracted thinking about what's going down at the invite to even study. So go for it, do what the heart wants!